What is Adoption?
Definition of Adoption
Adoption is a formal, legal and social-emotional process where a person (usually a child) becomes the child of an adult or adults who is/are not their biological parent(s). The goal of adoption is to provide a permanent, loving, and stable family environment for a child who needs one.
It’s important to understand that adoption is not intended to be a solution for individuals or couples seeking to expand their families. Adoption requires family separation – which is inherently a trauma for a child – even in circumstances where it appears to be in their best interest. Rather it’s a means of fulfilling the need of a child to grow up in a permanent, safe, and supportive home and parents when that may not be possible within their family of origin. Non-permanent solutions for a child in need of stability and safety may be foster care placement or guardianship and they should also be considered when planning for a child’s wellbeing.
Note: There are situations where a child is adopted by a stepparent or non-biological parent (i.e. in LGBTQ+ couples) for legal and emotional reasons as well.
Truths & Misconceptions
Adoption is a great way for hopeful future parents to finally have a child they’ve dreamed of.
- Approaching adoption from the perspective of finding families for children ensures centers the needs of vulnerable children who are in need of permanent homes. It emphasizes the importance of matching children with families that can provide them with the care, support, and opportunities they require to reach their full potential. This approach also acknowledges the diversity of families and recognizes that there are many different types of families that can offer children the love and stability they need. Adopting a child is easier than going through fertility treatment
It’s easier to adopt than going through fertility treatments.
- While the challenges may differ, both adoption and fertility treatment require significant emotional, financial, and psychological investment from individuals or couples seeking to grow their families.
- Additionally, prospective adoptive families may experience feelings of uncertainty, loss, and fear of rejection throughout the process. Adoption involves navigating legal, social, and emotional aspects, which can be equally demanding and emotionally taxing as fertility treatments. Moreover, like fertility treatments, there are unpredictable timelines, the potential for setbacks or disappointments, and no guarantee of a baby at the end of the journey.
Adoption is a fast way to grow your family.
- Adopting a child can take an unpredictable amount of time – typically months or even many years.
- Wait times are often particularly long if the prospective family hopes to adopt a healthy infant. The process involves various legal, social, and emotional steps, including paperwork, background checks, home studies, and potentially long waiting periods. Additionally, there is no guarantee of a successful adoption.
Adoption is cheaper than fertility treatments.
- Adoption can easily cost more than fertility treatments.
- Adoption costs can vary widely and add up significantly depending on factors such as agency fees, legal fees, birth parent expenses, and travel expenses. In contrast, fertility treatments such as in vitro fertilization (IVF) or intrauterine insemination (IUI) also involve substantial expenses, including medical procedures, medications, monitoring appointments, and laboratory fees. Both adoption and fertility treatments can be financially demanding, and it’s essential for individuals or couples to carefully consider and plan for the financial aspects of both options. While adoption may offer a different pathway to parenthood, it’s important to recognize that both adoption and fertility treatments come with significant, and often unpredictable, financial considerations and expenses.
Adoption is a guaranteed way to become a parent (unlike fertility treatments).
There are no guarantees with adoption. Adoption should always center the needs of the child – therefore, matching a child to the right adoptive family for them is the most important piece. Even wonderful prospective adoptive families may not be the right fit. So, while adoption can indeed lead to parenthood, like fertility treatment, there is no guarantee that an adoption match will occur or that the process will result in the placement of a child. In many situations, the biological parents have the right to choose the adoptive family for their child, and matches may not always happen quickly or at all. Prospective adoptive families can face waiting periods, failed matches, and the potential for disruptions or legal obstacles throughout the process. Therefore, it’s important for individuals or couples considering adoption to approach the process with realistic expectations and to be prepared for the possible uncertainties ahead.
Adoption is a win-win-win situation.
For an adoption to occur, there has to be so much loss and grief – for all members of the adoption triad. There is a strong message that adoption is a positive experience for all involved. Birth parents are not in a position to parent, and adoption absolves them of parenting. They get to ensure their child is cared for and move on with their life. Adoptive parents want a child and adoption brings that child to them. Adoptees need stability and parents, and being placed for adoption will give them all that they need. It’s so simple and positive when explained that way. However, the reality is not simple, nor is it positive.
For the birth parents:
- Loss of the parenting role: In choosing adoption, birth parents are letting go of their role as a parent in their child’s life. They lose all rights to make decisions for their child’s well-being after their parental rights are terminated. Birth parents lose seeing their child every single day and knowing them in all the ways parents typically know their children. Even in an open adoption, photos, updates, and visits cannot fill the gap that adoption inherently creates.
- Loss of identity: In losing the parenting role, a birth parent’s identity as a parental figure or even an important person to the child may be questioned by themself or others. It may be helpful to consider how those who have faced miscarriage and baby loss can feel their pain and grief is is minimized and not seen. Birth parents’ pain and grief is often treated the same way.
- Loss of control: Birth parents may feel a loss of control over their circumstances. Like infertility, an unplanned pregnancy can throw a person’s entire world off-kilter. The options they have will be limited by their belief system, their support system, their finances, their goals, the gestational age of the fetus, their location, and more. Pressure or coercion by those around them may also create more loss of control.
- Loss of support: In some cases, birth parents may experience a loss of support from family members, friends, or partners who may be upset about an unplanned pregnancy or may not understand or agree with their decision to place their child for adoption. This lack of support can exacerbate feelings of isolation and loneliness during and after the adoption process.
- Loss of future plans: Placing a child for adoption can disrupt birth parents’ future plans and aspirations. They may need to reevaluate their goals and dreams in light of their decision to place their child for adoption, leading to feelings of uncertainty and loss.
- Loss of cultural and familial connections: Birth parents may experience a loss of connection to their cultural heritage, family traditions, and ancestral lineage when they place a child for adoption. There may always be a hole in their family tree. This loss can be particularly poignant for birth parents who place their child with adoptive parents from a different cultural, religious or ethnic background.
- Loss of emotional wellbeing: The emotional toll of placing a child for adoption can be significant for birth parents. They may experience feelings of guilt, shame, regret, and grief, which can impact their emotional well-being and mental health in the short and long term.
Adoptive parents lose a biological connection to the child they raise. There’s a loss of passing on genetics to a child. Adoption can also bring losses that can feel particularly profound after facing infertility. There’s the loss of experiencing pregnancy resulting in a living child – not feeling the baby kicks, seeing every ultrasound, giving birth, and possibly breastfeeding. The loss of control can also be very difficult. So much of navigating infertility is medical procedures, making the healthiest choices, timing everything just right, etc. To see an expectant parent having an unplanned pregnancy – possibly not engaging in recommended prenatal care or following every “rule” for a healthy pregnancy – can be difficult and anxiety-provoking. However, there’s little a prospective adoptive parent can do besides relinquish that control and manage their emotions. There’s also the loss of shared experience with peers
Adoption offers a child a better life.
- Adoption offers a child a different life. What constitutes a “better” life is highly subjective. Adoption may provide some children with opportunities, stability, and relationships they might not have had otherwise. However, it doesn’t universally guarantee an improvement in every aspect of a child’s life. In exchange for those possible benefits, there may be losses around connection to their cultural background, relationships with biological family, opportunities for genetic mirroring and their sense of identity. By reframing the word “better” for “different,” we begin to acknowledge the complexity of adoption and emphasize supporting adoptees in their true feelings.
If someone is adopted as a baby, the family separation is not traumatic.
Adoption, even when it occurs during infancy, can still have profound emotional and psychological effects on the adoptee. Separation from biological parents, even at infancy or a young age, can be a traumatic experience that shapes an individual’s sense of identity and belonging. Newborns are used to the sounds and smells of the person who carried them, and separation from that person is believed to cause them stress. Additionally, adoption typically involves transitions to new caregivers, environments, and cultural backgrounds, which can impact an adoptee’s sense of security and attachment across the lifespan. Providing support, understanding, and validation for adoptees’ experiences is essential in addressing and navigating any potential trauma associated with adoption, regardless of the age at which it occurred.
There are children all over the world in need of adoption.
While it’s true that there are children in many countries who need parents and caregivers to raise them, the reality is more nuanced. International adoption is a complex process governed by each country’s laws and by international policies. Not all children have the legal status or availability for international adoption. Additionally, many countries prioritize domestic adoption or other forms of family preservation and support over international adoption. Furthermore, the best interests of the child must be centered, and efforts to maintain connections with birth families and preserve cultural connection are often prioritized. Therefore, while there are children in need of permanent families, the availability of adoptable children varies by country and is influenced by a range of factors beyond simple need.
It’s best not to tell a child they were adopted.
Honesty about a child’s origin story is in the child’s best interest. Historically, adoption professionals recommended that parents hide that their family came together through an adoption, and instead, pass off the adoptee as their biological child. However, professionals and adoptees now agree that openness and honesty about adoption are widely recognized as best practice for the well-being and development of adoptees. Keeping the truth hidden can lead to confusion, feelings of betrayal, and a sense of identity loss for the child as they grow older. Knowing about their adoption from an early age allows children the opportunity to develop a healthy understanding of their own story and identity, fostering a sense of belonging and self-esteem. Additionally, open communication promotes trust and honesty between parents and children.
