Becoming an aunt was one of the most amazing experiences. I’m fortunate to have two beautiful nieces in my life. One of them, Hannah, she’s a lot like me.
Wanting to carry a child of my own and having a son and/or daughter was never a question for me. I always wanted to be a mother. My path, however, didn’t get me there in the timeline that I wish it hoped.
I remember at 35 someone mentioned I should freeze my eggs…. Freeze my eggs??! Jeez, I can barely afford to buy eggs!!! So that was a hard pass.
When I turned 40, my Dr sat me down and explained my AMH was low and my egg reserve was almost depleted. My chances of conceiving were “slim to none”.
This was a shock to me considering the number of women I knew or saw in media getting pregnant, still in their 40s, seemingly effortlessly. I just didn’t realize how little I knew.
In 6 months, with the help of supplements and acupuncture, my levels increased a significant amount-still less than favorable. I met my now husband in 2020, during the pandemic. We both knew time was a key factor and he was open to start working with a fertility clinic soon. I have the most amazing Doctor in Los Angeles who is kind and consistent and easy to talk to. She means the world to me.
We started treatments. It was painful. It was expensive. It was exhausting. This process takes a hold of you spiritually, emotionally, mentally, and physically. It’s a full-frontal attack. I’m lucky I have a partner who is strong and more level-headed than myself. He didn’t have the best time giving me shots though, I think it hurt him more than it hurt me.
Our first efforts failed us. 2 IUIs and one IVF round. We planted a garden after the second procedure. I needed to know I could grow something. I needed to feel in control of my life somehow even symbolically.
Just a month after our IVF embryo transfer didn’t take; I woke up several nights in a row with debilitating nausea. A few days later a clear blue easy test was confirmed…. We were pregnant. We had conceived naturally (which Drs had told me would most likely never happen.)
We both were shocked and thrown but beyond thrilled!. My first betas were strong. I had high numbers & It looked good.
I can’t say upon what occasion grief comes or goes. But it’s a hollow feeling and it follows you. I arose one morning and my heart sank because that life inside me was no longer. I had bought my husband a book on How To Be A Dad. I bought bags of ginger to help me with my stomach. We told family. It was hard to hold back.
I’m convinced it was a girl because I had such bad nausea. I named her Sara. In another time or another place, she’d be here with me now. Another multiverse perhaps.
We pressed forward. Joe and I got married In February. I threw myself into planning just to stay busy & so I wouldn’t lose my mind.
Our plan is to go forward with another IVF cycle. Our insurance only partly covered one round. It’s almost impossible to get infertility treatments covered in the USA. Some companies do but you are limited to who you can see.
I’ve met amazing people through organizations like Yesh Tikvah and Resolve. I thank my lucky stars for their support and guidance. It’s a marathon, not a sprint, you have to keep it in mind.
AMH- Anti-Müllerian hormone
IVF- in vitro fertilization
IUI- intrauterine Insemination