I didn’t choose to be a warrior.
I didn’t choose to have PCOS (polycystic ovary syndrome).
I didn’t choose to be infertile.
I didn’t choose to not know when I would ovulate.
And because of all of this, I don’t get to choose when I’ll get pregnant. It’s not easy. Infertility sucks. It’s so isolating.
No matter how much support I have, it doesn’t take away the pain. It hurts to go to synagogue and see pregnant women. I can’t even go anymore. I can barely walk out of my apartment in fear of seeing my pregnant neighbor.
I hate it. It all sucks. I feel like I always have to explain myself.
I just want people to be sensitive. I want people to understand what I have to go through. The pain and the tears. Heck I can make a mikvah (ritual bath) out of my tears. If only that worked. If only all my tears would lead to my dream coming true.
As much as I like my doctor, I don’t like what it means. I don’t like that it means I need to get poked and prodded and that I won’t know when ovulation will happen.
I just want my baby. I want to be a mother. I want to have a family.
Until then I’ll sit here and cry.
