Transitioning from TTC to Adoption
Choosing whether to continue to pursue biological parenthood or to shift toward adoption is a pivotal decision. It’s crucial to recognize that infertility is a medical condition, not a choice, and the decision to pursue adoption is a deeply personal one. The weight of ending an infertility journey and entering an adoption one is profound.
There is rarely a clear dividing line between “I’m done with this and moving on to that.” It’s much more common to feel like one foot is in, the other is out, and you’re shifting weight back and forth depending on the day. The decision can require a reevaluation of dreams, expectations, and the endurance required to redefine the very essence of family. Embracing the possibility of adoptive parenthood is nuanced, emotional, and deeply personal.
What if I don’t want to adopt? Does that say something about me?
It’s not uncommon to explore adoption and feel like it’s not the right pathway to grow your family. It’s also not uncommon to then wonder if not wanting to adopt says something (negative) about you. 
Some worry that they’re “selfish” or a “bad person” if they decide either the adoption process or adoptive parenthood isn’t for them. The labeling of individuals or couples as “selfish” or “bad” for choosing not to adopt overlooks the complexities of their circumstances and the emotional toll of infertility and can contribute to feelings of guilt and shame. Adoptive parents are not inherently “good” or “selfless” people, and the societal pressure to adopt as a solution to infertility often stems from misconceptions about adoption itself. Deciding adoption isn’t right for you is just as valid for deciding surrogacy, donor conception or certain fertility treatments aren’t right for you. This is a personal journey. While others may not understand your desires or plans around family building, understanding and acknowledging your own experiences, abilities, emotions, morals and desires is essential.
A Note on Partners
If you’re pursuing parenthood with a partner, it’s not unusual for one partner to feel more enthusiastic, ready, or drawn to adoption to grow their family than the other partner.
If this is the case, it’s essential to recognize that, while possibly upsetting, it’s not unusual for partners to feel differently about the pathway ahead of them. Even when we have supportive and well-connected partnerships, they are still two distinct individuals, and can have different opinions, values, experiences, and expectations. Even if you’re not on the same page right now, it does not mean you won’t reach a shared conclusion.
It may be necessary to take some time to calmly explore the topic of “what now?” together. Whether having this conversation just the two of you, with separate counselors or a couples therapist, or with your rabbi, keep the lines of communication open. For a couple, deciding to become parents is a joint decision, and deciding to change pathways is also a joint decision.
