After Adeline was born we were so happy. We would look at her little perfectly round face and just marvel at how amazing she was. How lucky and grateful we were to have been given her to raise and teach and grow into an amazing person. Each milestone was so exciting to us. We didn’t think about anything other than just raising our precious little lady.

Once Adeline was about six months old, people would randomly start making comments about having another baby. At the time I was exclusively breastfeeding and knew until I stopped I would not be able to start trying again. My goal was to make it to one year and then we would revisit. We really did not think about when or how we would try again, but we knew as she reached her first birthday that we needed to start thinking about it again.

Those twelve months after Adeline was born were so nice and relaxing, even while taking care of an infant who did not ever consistently sleep through the night. Not having to ever think about getting pregnant, being pregnant, taking birth control, or going to doctors appointments was such a relief. It was a huge weight lifted from our shoulders that we simply did not have to think about anymore.

As Adeline got closer to her first birthday, we started talking about when it would make sense to go back to the doctor to start a sibling cycle. We decided that once I got my period after Adeline’s first birthday we would try and fully wean her. We figured that until then, there was no point rushing the process.

A few days after Adeline’s first birthday, cycle day 1 happened.  I called the doctor, made an appointment, and went in a few days later. The feelings of being back in that office were surreal. I had not been there in almost 18 months. It was a weird feeling of nostalgia, excitement, and a little bit of nerves as to what might happen in the next few months. I was called in and got to see my doctor for the first time since I had been discharged.

He was very cautious with his questions, used to the Avigayil who would snap and burst into tears very quickly. He had never met this version of me. The one who was so happy with her adorable little girl, who had more faith that this was going to work quickly this time. He told me that things looked as good as they ever had, and we could get started as soon as I was done breastfeeding.

I went home and told Akiva the news. He said ok, let’s get her to stop soon. Within the next month we weaned Adeline. It was a sad experience. I had nourished this little girl with my own body since she was conceived and now I had to cut that tie. I had so many feelings of guilt, wondering if I was doing the right thing. Adeline was in no way ready to stop breastfeeding, and that only made the struggle harder for me.

We pushed through and we weaned her, Cycle Day 1 returned and with it came my return to morning monitoring. Just this time we had to arrange for the babysitter to come much earlier. One week I didn’t see Adeline while she was awake for two days because I had work dinners at night. It was a completely different experience than it was the first time.

In some ways it was easier because I had my little lady waiting for me, running up and giving me a big hug when I did get home. On the other hand I felt like I was being selfish. I had one amazing daughter, why did I want to sacrifice time with her? Why couldn’t I just be happy with her. I couldn’t answer these questions. I want more children, so I did what I had to do in order to achieve my goal.