It’s me. I’m here. I forgot you were expecting and found out about your beautiful healthy baby boy on social media. I’m happy for you. Though still very sad for me. It feels like everyone around me is moving on but not sharing their news with me which makes me feel sadder for myself and my situation.
You apologized when you told me you were expecting. Though you don’t need to be sorry. I don’t want you to be going through what I am experiencing. And I don’t want your baby. I want to carry my own. I want to be a mother and for my husband to be a father.
Unfortunately, I don’t know if our friendship will ever be the same. I don’t know if I can open up to you the same way I used to. I know this isn’t permanent, but it will be different for some time.
For the time being, I’ve entered this new special club and I’ve made some amazing friends in it. People who understand what it’s like to fight to be a parent. People who didn’t choose to have to fight everyday to be a parent. These women in this club are here to support each other.
This past year I was hiding from people, and distancing myself from friends. I’m trying to reincorporate myself into society as I feel I have been hiding for months. I was hiding from my reality. Now with the world opening back up I feel like I need to come out of hiding. When people I haven’t seen for months announce their births or share that they are expecting, it hits me hard. I’m still here mourning the loss of another unsuccessful treatment cycle each month.
I need space. I may not respond to messages right away, I may not want to talk, or I may not like your photos on social media. Please understand it’s not you, it’s me. I still value our friendship but for now I need some distance to protect myself.
Please still check in with me and send me little reminders that I am being thought of. I promise the real me will be back soon.
Your infertile friend