My husband and I got married very young, and we decided to push off having kids because we were both in school. As the years went by, we watched our friends have one child after another and we decided that we were ready. In my mind, once I had made the decision to start the process, it would happen quickly and easily as it had for most of the people around me. After a year went by, I discovered I was not ovulating and needed to take Clomid to correct the issue. I continued to believe that this process would be relatively fast, but after a miscarriage I realized that was not the case. In order to cover up the pain I was experiencing, I continued to tell people “we just aren’t ready yet,” even though it could not have been further from the truth.
After my gynecologist sent me to a fertility specialist, I began to feel having children wasn’t going to happen. He explained that although the medication seemed to make me ovulate, there are 20% of people who have unexplained infertility and I may fit into that category. He suggested we become more aggressive with IUI then FSH shots. As I was going through endless blood work and ultrasounds, I felt incredibly angry and discouraged. Why do I have to go through all of this, and others just give birth to unwanted babies who never feel loved? As the years went on, I began to have an even harder time getting together with friends and listening to all the funny and cute things their children were doing. At this point, my friends were on their 3rd child and it was getting increasingly difficult for me to relate to them on so many levels.
For the most part, I kept my struggle to myself since I felt that nobody would understand what I was going through and I did not need pity. I figured there had to be more people going through the same struggle, but it was not something discussed publically. Finally our doctor recommended IVF as the most viable option; however, it was not covered by insurance. I spent many hours trying to get the cost as low as possible, but it was still astronomical, not just for the treatment, but the medications as well. I was even angrier that not only do I have to go through this emotional and physical pain, I now had to go through financial hardship as well. Additionally, I would hear people say things like “I sneeze and get pregnant” or “all I need is for my husband to look at me and I get pregnant.” In a way, I was happy that people did not pity me but those comments were unbearable. Thankfully, the IVF cycle was a success, but I did experience complications during pregnancy which thank G-d turned out ok. After 7 years of marriage, I gave birth to a beautiful baby girl and words cannot describe the gratitude that we have towards G-d.
While thankfully things turned out well for me, I know that is not the case for everyone going through this experience. As I was going through treatment, I decided that it was my obligation to share what I went through, because I know how isolating it can be. G-d must have put me through this emotionally, physically and financially challenging time so that I can help others who are going through similar difficulties.
