Sharing a Pregnancy Announcement

Two things are true: This pregnancy is an exciting time for you, and it is also going to be hard for someone you love to process.

Before we go on, we first want to thank you. Thank you for caring so deeply about the feelings of your friend struggling with infertility to seek out this resource. It says a great deal about you that even during a time of such celebration and happiness, you’re still so compassionate to be thinking about someone else.

Keep reading to learn more about what to have in mind when telling a loved one in struggle that you’re expecting, the best way to share this news with your loved one in struggle, and how it might affect them.

What Not to Say

There are three kinds of statements that are best avoided, not just when sharing a pregnancy announcement, but also whenever you are talking with someone struggling with infertility:

Toxic Positivity

Steer clear of toxic positivity when discussing their infertility. While phrases such as “I just know you’re next” or “it just hasn’t been the right time for you yet” may appear well-intentioned, they can often prove harmful and can strain your relationship. If you’re inclined to offer a positive perspective, it’s important to first consider whether you’re grappling with the complexities of your loved one’s infertility, and whether your positivity serves their needs or your own. If you still choose to convey positivity, opt for a realistic approach. Phrases like, “I want you to know that I love you and will be here for you no matter where this journey takes you” hold much more depth and sincerity than something overly simplistic and potentially untrue.

Unsolicited Advice

It’s equally important to refrain from offering unsolicited advice on achieving a pregnancy. Infertility is a complex medical matter, and having been successful in your own pregnancy doesn’t equate to expertise on their individual medical condition. If your friend doesn’t specifically ask for your advice or opinion, err on the side of caution and refrain from sharing it.

Insensitive Remarks

Lastly, certain remarks that are occasionally shared, such as “we weren’t even trying!” or “I can’t believe it happened so quickly,” are best left unsaid in this context. Likewise, expressing complaints about your pregnancy isn’t suitable for this conversation. While we know that pregnancy can present plenty of challenges, discussing its difficulties with your loved one struggling with infertility likely won’t be well-received. These sentiments are better shared with others who aren’t desperately trying to get pregnant.

What They May Feel

When you tell your loved one that you’re expecting, they might have a range of thoughts flood into their mind. Deep down, they want to be as happy for you as you are for yourself. After all, those we love want only the best for us. But in this particular scenario, they’re probably going to be feeling two opposing emotions at the same time: thrilled for you and also sad for themselves.

It’s crucial to remember that while infertility is a deeply personal journey certain emotions are common when individuals experiencing infertility hear a pregnancy announcement. It’s not unusual for someone to experience many of these emotions at the same time:

Happiness for You: Despite their own struggles, they genuinely care about your well-being and happiness, and they may genuinely want to share in your joy.

Sadness and Grief: The news can trigger feelings of sadness and grief over their own unfulfilled desires and the challenges they are facing.

Anger or Frustration: They might feel frustrated or angry at the unfairness of their situation and question why they are going through such difficulties when others don’t have to.

Jealousy: While not malicious, they might feel envious of your ability to achieve something they’ve been striving for, which can lead to feelings of guilt.

Guilt: They might feel guilty for feeling any negative emotions in response to your news, knowing that, while they’d much rather simply be happy about your pregnancy, that isn’t always possible.

Isolation: They may feel a sense of isolation or loneliness as they navigate their personal struggle, which can be amplified by seeing others around them experiencing joyous life events and moving forward with milestones they haven’t reached.

Anxiety: The news might exacerbate their fears about their own fertility journey and the uncertainties they face.

Detachment: In an effort to shield themselves from emotional strain, they may detach, using it as a way to manage their feelings since engaging with your pregnancy could prove to be incredibly overwhelming.

Hope: While complex, your news might also ignite a spark of hope that their own dreams of parenthood could one day come true.

After Announcing

After you’ve shared, it’s essential that you set appropriate expectations for yourself. As we explained, you should be prepared for a range of emotions from your loved one – whether they show you these emotions or not. They may not react like everyone else you tell, and that’s okay. Understand that their reactions and emotions are valid and are primarily influenced by their personal circumstances with infertility, not solely your pregnancy. It’s also possible that their response might be understated or even absent. There are times when silence is more respectful than saying something that could inadvertently strain the relationship. Don’t pressure your loved one to react in a certain way, and respect their space if they need a little distance.

While your excitement about every update on your pregnancy app and heartwarming sonogram is completely understandable, it’s important to exercise caution when sharing pregnancy-related updates. A thoughtful approach is to inquire whether they would appreciate staying informed or if they’d prefer to initiate discussions about your pregnancy whenever they’re curious. Assuming either extreme—that they desire constant updates or want to remain entirely uninformed—can inadvertently cause emotional strain for both parties involved. Striving for open communication and understanding their preferences can help maintain a supportive and considerate dynamic.

Be prepared for their emotions regarding your pregnancy to evolve over time. As your pregnancy progresses, you share more details (like the baby’s sex), or when events like a baby shower occur, their feelings may undergo shifts. It’s also important to recognize that certain milestones might be especially challenging for them if they’ve experienced a baby loss. For instance, passing the week when they themselves lost a baby could be particularly sensitive. Understanding these potential triggers and being mindful of their feelings during various stages of your pregnancy will contribute to maintaining a compassionate and supportive connection.

If your loved one is up for it, an open conversation about shared interactions during your pregnancy might be prudent. During such a conversation, it can be particularly helpful to offer them some control. Let them know that you’re receptive to them dictating the rhythm of conversations and get-togethers. Explain that you understand if certain subjects need to be off-limits, or that that in-person meetings might occasionally be challenging for them. Express that you value your relationship even if it needs to look a little different now, and you’re open to hearing what would be most comfortable to them. Make the underlying message that you respect their emotional journey and that you’re committed to a relationship with them that fosters both of your needs. 

Common Questions & Special Circumstances

Should I still invite my loved one to my baby shower or other pregnancy-related event?

Yes! Please don’t exclude your loved one in hopes of protecting them.

Avoid presuming that they have no interest in attending, and don’t assume that they’ll be completely fine being there. What we recommend is sending a text before the invitation goes out to them and giving them the opportunity to make the decision to attend or not their choice. Here’s how to do it:

“Hey [Name],

I hope you’re doing well. I just wanted to let you know that we’re in the process of sending out invitations for my baby shower. I understand that this might be a sensitive topic. Your presence would mean a lot to me, but please know that I understand if attending might not be comfortable for you right now. I want you to know that I completely respect whatever decision you make. Your well-being is my first priority and my love for you won’t change no matter what you decide to do. If you have any questions or thoughts, please feel free to share. Sending my love!” 

You might also consider allowing them to bring a friend with them who knows what they’re going through and can provide some support. If your loved one responds to your text that they’re finding it challenging to be around pregnancy-related events or discussions, suggest alternative ways to spend time together that are unrelated to pregnancy.

I also went through infertility and my loved one and I bonded over our shared experience. What else should I consider now that I’m pregnant and they’re not?

Navigating pregnancy when a loved one is still struggling with infertility can be delicate. Along with the above, there are some extra considerations to keep in mind as you move forward. You need to recognize that the common ground you two had shifts with this news of your pregnancy. If your conversations used to revolve around treatments, fears, relationship dynamics through infertility, and other shared topics, these commonalities might not be as foundational in your relationship anymore. The dynamics between you both could undergo change during this period. However, with empathy and understanding, you have the ability to uphold a strong connection.

Look for other common ground to build on and continue to offer your love, support and interest in their infertility journey.

What if Our Relationship is Damaged?

If your relationship with your loved one becomes damaged due to your pregnancy in contrast to their infertility struggle, there are steps you can take to address and repair the situation:

• Acknowledge the Change: Recognize that the dynamics have shifted and that there might be strain in the relationship. Denying or avoiding the issue won’t lead to resolution.
• Communicate Openly: Initiate an honest and compassionate conversation. Express your concern about the strain in your relationship and your desire to address it in hopes of continuing a loving and supportive relationship. Listen to their perspective and validate their feelings.
• Apologize if Needed: If your actions or words have inadvertently caused them pain, extend a heartfelt apology. Remember that while your actions might not affect someone else in the same way, their emotions could be more delicate due to their infertility journey. Recognize any insensitivity and convey your genuine regret.
• Express Empathy: Show empathy for their feelings and experiences. Let them know that you care about and want to listen to their perspective, and that you are there to support them, even if your life circumstances have changed. Do your very best to avoid any passive aggression or guilting them for the change. They likely feel badly enough about it. 
• Give Space: It’s a really common occurrence that they may need time to process their emotions or get some distance from the situation. Respect their need for space. Let them know that you’re available whenever they’re ready to reconnect and looking forward to it.
• Find Common Ground: Identify areas of shared interest or experiences that aren’t related to your pregnancy. Rekindling connections on topics that both of you enjoy can help rebuild the relationship.
• Be Patient: Healing takes time. Relationships that have been strained need time to mend. Be patient and allow the process to unfold naturally.
• Set Boundaries: As you rebuild the relationship, it’s important to set healthy boundaries. Discuss what topics are sensitive and establish guidelines for communication that serve you both.
• Offer Gestures of Reconciliation: Small gestures, like sending a thoughtful text or offering to spend quality time together, can communicate your desire to mend the relationship.
• Continue Showing Support: Keep demonstrating your support for their journey throughout your pregnancy and into your future parenting. Be mindful of their feelings and continue to show empathy and care.
• Reflect and Learn: Use this situation as an opportunity for personal growth. Reflect on what you’ve learned about infertility, communication, empathy, and maintaining relationships during challenging times.

In Conclusion

It’s important to remember that relationships are complex and can face challenges, especially when circumstances change. Your pregnancy is a change in circumstances in this relationship and there may be some growing pains for you and your loved one. It’s okay if the path to resolution isn’t perfect; what truly matters is the willingness to try. Your genuine effort to address the situation with care and consideration speaks volumes. Your thoughtful approach, the understanding that their emotions may be delicate, and your desire to mend any damage highlight the significance of the bond you share. Your actions won’t go unnoticed; they exemplify how much you value and care about their feelings. In the end, it’s these sincere gestures that reinforce the strength and resilience of your connection, showing that even amidst challenges, your care continues to shine through.

We wish you all the best with your relationship and your pregnancy!