Parents and Grandparents
Watching your child or grandchild struggle with anything is difficult on its own. When they are trying to have a child of their own, and give you a grandchild or great-grandchild, the pain is magnified ten fold.
We’re grateful you have found this resource to help you support your loved one. We’ll be going into what to do (and not to do) so you can best be there for your child or grandchild, offer some perspectives from those who have gone through it, and give you practical tips and tools for protecting your relationship during this time.
Especially for parents and grandparents of those navigating infertility:
- Be sensitive to your child/grandchild’s challenge. Even if you had a similar experience, they will be navigating this as a couple in their own ways.
- Asking when they will give you a grandchild is hurtful and a reminder of their struggle, even when meant in love or in jest.
- For those navigating primary infertility (to have their first child) – ensure that your children feel special in their own right and no less important to you even though they have not yet given you a grandchild.
- Do not push your children to share information about their fertility challenges and treatments that they are not comfortable sharing.
- For some parents/grandparents, getting support may enable them to be more present emotionally for their child/grandchild.
- For many couples, this issue of fertility is wrapped in shame and silence. You can help break that by speaking with your children when they are (rather than avoiding the topic) and sharing with other grandparents who may be entering this experience for the first time.
Frequently Asked Questions
Q: “What do I do if my family member is dealing with infertility and/or pregnancy loss? I feel like I’m always saying the wrong thing.”
A: Be as direct as possible in a private setting. Examples of things you can say include:
- “I know you are going through a really hard time. I want to be supportive, and I know I may do or say the wrong things.”
- “I love and care about you very much. I wish I could take away your pain, but I know that I can’t. If I make a mistake, you can tell me.”
- “Do you want help coming up with a solution, or do you need me to be here and listen? I can do either, whenever you need.”
Have grace with yourself. You will mess up and that is okay. You are communicating with someone in a lot of pain.
Q: “What happens if someone makes a pregnancy announcement at our Shabbat or holiday table?”
A: If you know that someone coming to your table is struggling with infertility, perhaps tell others at the table to be sensitive around this topic. It is not that you are not supposed share your pregnancy announcement—it is just about being considerate and finding the right time and place. Stand beside those that are struggling. Although you cannot understand or take away the pain, you can be there beside them and support them. Acknowledge how hard it must have been for them to hear other people making pregnancy announcements, when they are in so much pain.
Q: “What are key reminders for parents and grandparents whose children and grandchildren are going through infertility?”
A: When your child is going through something difficult, like infertility, it is not your trauma to hold. It’s more important to be a safe space to allow your child to come to you, without absorbing their trauma. Remember that this is not about you—try not to discuss your pain.
Additional reminders:
- Don’t pretend to know when you don’t know. If you’re unsure about something, ask or seek out resources that may answer your question. Feel free to contact Yesh Tikva at support@yeshtikva.org.
- Show up for your loved one, especially during milestone and important dates, such as egg retrievals, embryo transfers, the two-week wait between transfer and the beta blood pregnancy test, and holidays like Mother’s and Father’s Days, Purim, etc.
- Know that it is 50/50: some people want others to acknowledge (“How could you not say anything?!”), but then there are people that do not want it to be acknowledged. Gauge how your family member feels about talking about it with you and respond accordingly.
Q: “I used to have a close relationship with my child and now I don’t. I’m starting to resent her infertility for getting in the way of our bond. What can I do?”
A: We know that the shifts that can happen in your relationship can feel disheartening. It’s important to keep in mind that your child is going through something incredibly difficult and needs your support and love above all else during this time.
If your child is holding more boundaries, know that boundaries are not meant to keep things secret. Rather, they are meant to give your child the privacy they need to work through what they’re experiencing.
What you can do is ask the following:
- “Would you like me to ask about your doctors appointment? Or would you rather me act like it didn’t happen?”
- “Would you rather me ask how you’re feeling, or should I not acknowledge it?”
- “Do you want me to reach out, or do you want me to wait until you do?”
As a member of your child or grandchild’s support system, remember that you need support, too.
We know watching your child or grandchild be in pain is the most difficult thing for you to experience. Know that they greatly appreciate your searching for resources and information on how to best support them.
For more tips, click on the links below:
