How to respond to a meaningful honor when you want to keep your family-building journey private.

Being asked to be Kvatter at a bris can feel like a beautiful honor. It can also bring up a question you never wanted to answer in public: Why did they choose us?

Years ago, I wrote about how my feelings about being Kvatter changed over time. At first, my husband and I were happy to accept. Later, after being asked again and again, I began to feel as though carrying the baby into the ceremony announced something about our infertility that I had not chosen to announce.

Your experience may be different. This honor may be something that you find meaningful. You may want to be there for the family but not take on that role. Or maybe you are not in a space where going to a bris is what is best for your mental health. And choosing not to go, doesn’t make you a bad friend. All of those responses are okay.

You Don’t Owe Anyone an Explanation

If you would rather not be Kvatter, you can say no. You do not need to explain your fertility journey, describe where you are in it, or make a case for why the honor is difficult.

A simple answer is enough:

“Thank you for thinking of us. We’re touched that you asked, but we’re going to pass on being Kvatter.”

If you would still like to attend, you can add:

“We’re looking forward to celebrating with you.”

You can also ask the parents to keep your answer private:

“We’d appreciate it if you could simply choose someone else without discussing why we declined.”

The people who offered the honor may have meant it with love. You can appreciate that intention and still decide that the role is not right for you.

If You’re Worried People Will Speculate

Sometimes the concern is not only how you will feel walking into the room. It is what others might assume when they see you carrying the baby, or what they might ask afterward.

You cannot control every assumption someone makes. You can decide how much of your own story you share. If someone asks why you were Kvatter, or why you declined, you are allowed to keep your response ordinary: “They asked us to take part,” or “They chose someone else.” You do not have to confirm, correct, or discuss what the question may be implying.

If you know you would prefer not to be offered this honor, it is also okay to tell someone close to you ahead of time: “If a bris comes up in the family, we’d rather not be asked to be Kvatter. We’d love to celebrate in another way.” That can spare you a difficult decision in the moment.

Being Kvatter is one way to take part in a bris. It is not a measure of your hope, your faith, or your love for the family. Whether you accept or decline, you get to choose what feels right for you and what remains private.