An honor should feel like an invitation, not an announcement about someone’s infertility.

When choosing who will be Kvatter at your son’s bris, one may think of a couple you love who is hoping to have a child. The offer usually comes from a generous place. The desire to give them an honor and, perhaps, a blessing.

But the way the question is asked matters as much as the intention behind it.

I wrote years ago about what it felt like to be asked to be Kvatter again and again. At first, my husband and I welcomed the honor. Later, I began to feel as though walking into the ceremony with the baby made our infertility visible to everyone in the room. And though we were not secretive about our experience, being on display in that manner didn’t feel comfortable for me. Someone else might feel completely differently. That is why the couple being asked needs space to decide for themselves.

Ask Privately, and Make “No” Easy

Ask privately and before the day of the bris. Do not ask in front of relatives, in a group text, or while everyone is getting ready for the ceremony. A public question can make it hard to give an honest answer.

Know Who You Are Asking

Before offering the honor, think about how this particular person or couple has chosen to share their fertility journey. If they have been very private, they may not want an invitation that draws attention to it, especially if others might assume why they were chosen. Even a question asked privately can put them in the position of having to discuss something they have worked hard to keep personal. If you do ask, make it clear that you would be honored to have them serve as Kvatter, that saying no is completely fine, and that you will keep the conversation between you. And if you sense they would rather not be asked at all, respect that. There are other ways to show them love without making their fertility journey part of the bris.

Offer the Honor, Not an Explanation

Offer the honor without explaining why you chose them. “We’d love to ask you to be Kvatter” is an invitation. “We thought this would be a segulah for you” brings their family-building journey into a conversation they may not have wanted to have.

You could say:

“We would love to ask you both to be Kvatter at the bris. Please feel completely free to say no, we will understand, and there is no need to explain.”

And if they decline, a kind response can be as simple as: “Of course. Thank you for considering it.” Then choose someone else and keep the conversation private.

Some couples will be deeply grateful to be asked. Others will not want the honor, or will not want it this time. We cannot know which unless we make room for a real answer. That is what turns a well-intended custom into an act of care.

It is also okay to offer the honor of Kvatter to a family member or friend who would love to take part in the ceremony, without connecting the role to anyone’s family-building journey. If someone you love is hoping to grow their family, you can hold them in mind and pray for them privately at the bris. That, too, can be a meaningful way to seek merit on their behalf, without placing them or their journey in the public eye.