Do not assume someone is or is not experiencing infertility. Even if a couple does not have a child or if there is a large gap between children, do not make assumptions (They may have experienced miscarriages or stillbirths or a myriad of other challenges; know that this is a highly charged area for assumptions).
Yesh Tikva
A Jewish Fertility Community
Supporting Others
How to be a better ally to those facing infertility
Here you’ll find a collection of ways to support those you care about as they face infertility and family building.
What will this guide cover?
Supporter Best Practices
Yesh Tikva supports individuals and couples as they navigate the emotions, information, and outcomes that follow an infertility diagnosis or a complicated family building journey. We’ve created these suggestions knowing that friends and family often want to show love and support but may feel uncertain about what to say or do.
Every person’s experience is unique, so we encourage you to consider the individual and use what feels most appropriate in your relationship.
The following best practices are meant to guide compassionate communication with those facing infertility—whether you’re reaching out to a friend, welcoming guests into your home, talking with your child or grandchild, or holding space as a communal leader.
What Helps, What Hurts
Supporting someone facing infertility isn’t always straightforward. What feels comforting to one person may feel painful to another, and it’s natural to worry about saying or doing the wrong thing. These guidelines offer simple “do’s” and “don’ts” to help you show up with empathy, sensitivity, and care—so your loved one feels seen, supported, and never alone.
Do show steady support.
Let your loved one know that, whatever the outcome of their journey, you are there for them. Use phrases like “I’m here for you in whatever way you need” rather than trying to offer solutions. Your presence, validation, and willingness to stand beside them—without judgment—sends the message that they don’t have to go through this alone.
Don’t give blanket reassurances.
Avoid saying things like “Don’t worry, it’ll all work out” or “I’m sure you’ll be pregnant soon.” While meant kindly, these statements can feel dismissive of real pain and uncertainty. They also place pressure on an outcome that may not be possible.
Do avoid assumptions
Infertility is often invisible. Even if a couple doesn’t have children yet, or there’s a large age gap between siblings, don’t jump to conclusions. They may have faced miscarriages, stillbirths, failed treatments, or may not be pursuing parenthood at all. Respect that family-building is personal, and assumptions can be deeply painful.
Don’t guess, pry, or read into timelines.
Questions like “So when are you having kids?” or “Why wait so long?” can reopen wounds. Even joking comments can land heavily. If they want to share, they will do so in their own time and on their own terms.
Do listen first
If your friend opens up, the most powerful thing you can do is listen. Allow them to guide the conversation, mirror their language, and resist the urge to fix what can’t be fixed. A caring presence, quiet empathy, or a shoulder to cry on can mean far more than advice.
Don’t center yourself.
If you’ve faced infertility, it’s okay to acknowledge that, but avoid shifting focus onto your own journey or projecting your emotions onto theirs. Each story is unique; this moment belongs to them.
Do stay in touch gently
Continue to check in with love, even if your friend doesn’t always reply. A simple “Thinking of you—no need to respond” can help them feel remembered without pressure. Consistency shows care, while flexibility respects their emotional bandwidth.
Don’t over-check in or make it about your concern.
Bringing up infertility every time you speak to them, or making them feel responsible for your worry, can be exhausting. Let them set the rhythm and depth of conversation.
Do share carefully if you have lived experience
If you’ve walked this path, it may be comforting to let them know you understand some of what they’re going through. Keep your sharing brief, then turn the focus back to them. Let your story serve as a doorway to empathy, not as a blueprint.
Don’t compare or prescribe
Unless they ask for advice, avoid saying things like “When I did IVF…” or “You should try what worked for me.” Each person’s experience is different, and what felt right for you may not be appropriate for them.
Do include with care
Invite your loved one into activities where they can feel at ease—coffee, a walk, a movie night, or anything that isn’t centered on kids. In groups, be mindful of including them in conversation and steering clear of prolonged “parent talk.”
Don’t default to kid-centered gatherings.
If every get-together revolves around children or pregnancy news, your friend may feel excluded. While you don’t have to avoid these topics completely, balance them with space for connection on other parts of life
Do offer gentle hospitality
When welcoming guests, consider what might help them feel more comfortable. Offer a quiet room to step away, and have alternative conversation starters ready (books, travel, current events, food, TV shows). A thoughtful environment makes it easier for them to relax.
Don’t offer unsolicited fixes.
Refrain from sharing advice on doctors, diets, or “ways to boost fertility” unless specifically asked. It can feel intrusive and minimizing, as if their struggles could be solved with a quick tip.
Do balance celebrations with sensitivity
If children or pregnant guests will be present at an event, send a private note in advance: “We’ll have little ones around” or “A friend who is expecting will be joining us. I understand if that’s hard—do what feels right for you.” This allows them to prepare emotionally and make their own choice about attending.
Don’t pressure or demand explanations.
If they decline, leave early, or need a break, respect their boundaries without pressing for details. Their well-being matters more than attendance, and honoring that builds trust.
Great Things to Do
If your friend or family member has shared their infertility journey, assure them that no matter what the outcome, you will be there for them in any way they need. Validate whatever feelings or reactions he or she may be experiencing, regardless of what you think about how they are handling the situation. Embrace them with love and without judgement.
If either member of the couple reaches out to share their story, the best thing that one can do for a friend or family member is be a friend, listen when they speak, offer a shoulder to cry on, a warm embrace or any other gesture of love and support you both are comfortable with.
The gift you offer is the gift of listening and being there.
Be in touch with love, even if your friend or family member doesn’t respond – they may be processing emotions and new information. (more tips below)
If you have had a personal infertility experience yourself, you may share that fact, but let your friend or family member guide the conversation and share less, listen more.
When in groups, be sure everyone is actively engaged and be sensitive.
Invite your friend or family member for an outing with you – a coffee, stroll or non-child-related shopping trip.
Invite your friend or family member for an outing with you – a coffee, stroll or non-child-related shopping trip.
Be understanding at times those struggling with infertility can become emotionally overwhelmed and may need some social and/or emotional distance. Do not take this as a personal affront, but as a coping mechanism.
Things to Refrain From
- Don’t assure your friend or family member that everything will be okay.
Don’t offer “at least” comments (“At least you have a husband who loves you.” “At least you’re healthy in every other way.”)
If your friend or family member has shared their story, don’t bring it up every time you see them. Let them set the frequency, if at all.
If you have experienced infertility, don’t constantly speak of your own experiences or projecting your own feelings; listen instead.
Avoid sharing advice or tips on how to increase chances of conception, unless requested and let them guide the conversation.
Refrain from putting forward a recommendation of a specific doctor, medical procedure or other therapy. Allow the person or couple to perform their own research and find the best fit for them.
Let the person or couple share their story – don’t guess or ask or demand to know, even if you think you have the “right” (e.g., you wish to become a grandparent, aunt, etc.).
For Parents and Grandparents of Adult Children Facing Infertility
Watching your child or grandchild struggle with anything is difficult on its own. When they are trying to have a child of their own, and give you a grandchild or great-grandchild, the pain is magnified tenfold.
We’re grateful you have found this resource to help you support your loved one. We’ll be going into what to do (and not to do) so you can best be there for your child or grandchild, offer some perspectives from those who have gone through it, and give you practical tips and tools for protecting your relationship during this time.
Especially for parents and grandparents of those navigating infertility:
1. Be sensitive to your child/grandchild’s challenge.
Even if you had a similar experience, they will be navigating this in their own ways.
2. Don't Ask
Asking when they will give you a grandchild is hurtful and a reminder of their struggle, even when meant in love or in jest.
3. Navigate
For those navigating primary infertility (to have their first child) ensure that your children feel special in their own right and no less important to you even though they have not yet given you a grandchild.
4. Don't Push
Do not push your children to share information about their fertility challenges and treatments that they are not comfortable sharing. Follow their lead.
5. For some
For some parents/grandparents, getting support may enable them to be more present emotionally for their child/grandchild.
6. For Couples
For many couples, this issue of fertility is wrapped in shame and silence. You can help break that by speaking with your children when they are (rather than avoiding the topic) and sharing with other grandparents who may be entering this experience for the first time.
As a member of your child or grandchild’s support system, remember that you need support, too.
We know watching your child or grandchild be in pain is the most difficult thing for you to experience. Know that they greatly appreciate your searching for resources and information on how to best support them.
Frequently Asked Questions
Have any of these questions crossed your mind?
“What should I say to my child? What about their partner? I want to say the right thing.”
“How can I make this easier for them? Should I research new treatments? Make suggestions? Cheer them up? I just want to make this better.”
“We were so close, and that bond has deteriorated. I’m starting to resent their infertility for changing my child and our relationship. What can I do?”
“The holidays feel different now…what do I do?”
Take a minute and download our Tikva Toolkit guides–filled with answers and suggestions to hold you through this journey of parenting a parent in waiting.
Hosting Guests
Welcoming loved ones into your home can be a beautiful act of connection. However, when guests are facing infertility, even ordinary gatherings can bring unexpected emotions. These tips are designed to help you host with extra thoughtfulness and create an environment where everyone has the chance to feel comfortable, supported, and included.
Be Mindful
Be mindful of the group you are gathering. Be aware that someone present may be struggling–even if you don’t know it and even if they already have children. Avoid comments like “When it’s your turn?” “You’ll understand when you’re a parent,” or “You’ll understand when you have more kids.” These small remarks can unintentionally sting. Instead, focus on inclusive language that doesn’t assume everyone’s path will look the same.
Create Comfortable Conversation
Steer conversations toward topics that aren’t centered on kids or infertility.
Try openers or redirects like:
- “What’s a show you’re loving right now?”
“Have you traveled anywhere interesting lately?” - “What’s something that most people do not know about you?”
- “Have you read any good books lately? Would you recommend it? What was your favorite part?”
- “I need a new binge-worthy show. Have you seen anything good lately that you would recommend?”
- “Do you listen to podcasts? I just discovered a new one.”
- “What is your favorite restaurant?”
These give guests an easy way to connect without emotional landmines.
Offer Gentle Hospitality
Infertility can make social settings feel unpredictable. Small gestures—like letting guests know they can step away if conversations feel heavy, offering a quiet room for a breather, or checking in privately about what would make them comfortable—create a sense of safety without putting them on the spot.
Respect Emotional Boundaries
If your guest chooses not to engage in certain conversations or seems unsure about attending something upcoming, don’t push. Whether facing infertility or not, everyone has something going on under the surface. Let them share (or not share) at their own pace, and honor their cues with understanding.
Balance Celebrations with Sensitivity
If children or pregnant people will be present, it may be best to make sure your guest knows and acknowledge that it may be tender.
A quick, private note ahead of time can be kind:
“We’ll have little ones running around; I understand if that feels hard.”
“I wanted to make sure that you know that _______ is expecting. I understand if that feels complicated.”
This can go a long way in building trust. Additionally, if you’re aware that someone may be making a pregnancy announcement, it’s best to approach that with extra sensitivity.
Reach Out
Do you have friends or family whom you suspect may be navigating infertility?
Actively engage:
By message: A message on your preferred platform to say “hello” every so often can go a long way in making someone feel that you care.
By phone: For some, a quick phone call may offer an important connection, particularly if this is the way you usually engage.
By sending a card: Sometimes a card with your heart-felt message can be held and re-read privately and is greatly appreciated.
In person: Invite family members and/or friends to birthday parties, get-togethers and Shabbat or Yom Tov meals as you usually would. However, if they say they are not up to joining, allow them to make the decision for themselves, accept their reason, and do not make them feel guilty for opting out.
Jewish Ritual Sensitivity
It can be so appreciated when you make space for those facing infertility within child centered rituals, holidays and events. Be mindful though that not everyone wants to be recognized and that’s ok.
1. When offering an individual or couple the opportunity to participate in a ritual that is thought to help one have children, it is important to know who you are asking before doing so:
– Some people appreciate such offers and run at the opportunity.
– Some people feel very hurt by such an offer and would prefer it not be offered to them.
If you are unsure or do not know the person well, try to consult with a family member or close friend who would know so as to avoid unintentionally offending or hurting anyone.
2. It is a beautiful custom to use child centered holidays as an opportunity to pray for those who have not yet been blessed with children or who are struggling to expand their families.
3. A Brit Milah and Simchat Bat are wonderful opportunities to recite the Fertility Prayer, to keep in mind those facing fertility struggles during these celebrations.
4. If possible at your event or synagogue, consider moving stroller hubs away from the front entrance to the back, so that people can enter without crossing through an emotional minefield.
Be an Ally
They are your child. Your sibling. A neighbor. Your friend. Your work colleague. The person you sit next to in synagogue.
They feel alone and isolated. They need a warm embrace, a friendly smile, a confidante, but they don’t feel comfortable approaching anyone. They’re worried people won’t understand or friends will be dismissive of their concerns. In a community where kids are central to traditions and continuity, many of those facing infertility suffer in silence.
But it’s not just them. You want to be present, to hold space for them. You’re ready to at least listen. But you’re not sure what to say or how to ease their stresses. You’re worried about saying the wrong thing.
Displaying Sensitivity
The first thing to remember is that no two people suffer or react identically to similar situations. Stress, uncertainty and anxiety affect people in different ways.
At times, those struggling with infertility — be it primary, secondary or circumstantial — can become emotionally overwhelmed and may need some distance. It may come across as a personal offense but it is important to remember that it is not personal.
The following are suggestions. Be sure to consider each person as an individual and apply what you deem most appropriate. The below also links you to specific topics related to supporting others.
Sensitivity Suggestions – Keep in mind
1. Do not assume anything. Not everyone who does not have a child or has a large gap between children is navigating infertility.
2. If someone reaches out to share her/his story, the best thing one can do is listen.
3. It is best not to recommend a specific doctor. Rather, if you’d like to, give a few options so that couple/individual can do their own research and find the best fit for them.
When engaging family members or friends
1. The best thing one can do is be a friend, listen when they speak and offer a shoulder to cry on.
2. Unless requested, avoid sharing advice or tips on how to increase chances of conception.
3. If a family member or friend does share their story with you, try not to bring it up every time you see them.
4. Assuring people that everything will be okay is generally not comforting. Rather, assure them that no matter what the outcome, you will be there for them in any way that she/he needs. Validate whatever feelings or reactions they might have, regardless of how you think they’re handling the situation. Provide them the space to experience those feelings without feeling judged.
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